My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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