I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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