I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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