i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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