found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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