she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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