I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
