I feel like I'm in dance class right now
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize