Moan for me like Helen Keller
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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