im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize