I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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