WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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