Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sorry my hands just texted you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
