My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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