I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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