If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
