Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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