I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
