I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Two words: blizzard sex
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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