I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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