She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize