if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
nutella sex= disaster
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
