Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
