I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
