Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
