I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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