God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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