nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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