woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
