i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Pants are for mortals
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
