there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
