now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Randomize