I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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