I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
