I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You pole danced in your parka.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
