the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Found the puke drawer
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
