I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
