i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Randomize
