Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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