you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
