so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
