We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
