Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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