and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
