allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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