she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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