Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize