I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
