According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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