my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
