i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize