I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize