some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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