so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
