I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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