the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
we should paint friendship bongs
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