and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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