my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
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