I will die if light touches me.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
