i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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