Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
