Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
