Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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