Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
