Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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