I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
